An Open Letter to Jared Wilson

This letter is in response to this article.  The article links to a followup (which I don't address in this post).  All definitions are taken from dictionary.com.

Trigger warning for victims of sexual abuse, domestic violence, or rape.

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Dear Mr. Wilson,

I bet you’re probably feeling very persecuted right now.

I bet you’re thinking that you’re being persecuted for spreading the Gospel, and that your reward will be great in Heaven.

I don’t claim to know what your reward in Heaven will be.  I don’t even claim to know if Heaven exists.  I do know one thing: you are not, in fact being persecuted.

People are just calling you on your crap.  That’s not persecution.

[ Note: Jared apologized for his article.  This happened after I made this post (I'm not saying it was BECAUSE of this post, I'm just saying the apology post did not exist when I made the statements above).  You can read the apology here. I've left this post unmodified.  I stand by my criticism of the original quote he used.  -HH] 
 
Now, to be fair, I don’t think that you woke up one morning and said, “Hey, I think I’ll write an article encouraging violence against women today, because violence against women is just the bees knees.”  I truly believe when you say that you abhor violence against women.  I’m sure you had the best intentions when you wrote this article.

I don’t think that you hate women either.  I know that you have a wife and two (?) daughters, and I’m sure you love them very much.  I bet you’d take a bullet for them in a heartbeat. 

I still think it was an awful article, however. 

Now, to be fair, most of the article was not your words: it was a quote from a book by Douglas Wilson.  But since you included it in your article and called it “especially relevant”, I’m going to assume that you are in 100% agreement with everything he said.

Let’s go through the quote:

“Because we have forgotten the biblical concepts of true authority and submission, or more accurately, have rebelled against them, we have created a climate in which caricatures of authority and submission intrude upon our lives with violence.”
 
Are you honestly saying that egalitarianism causes more violence?  Do you honestly believe that things were better before egalitarianism?  That there was less rape?  Less abuse of women?  You make mention of “true” authority and submission, implying that there is a “false” authority and submission.  Please show me an example of “true” authority.

Allow me to introduce you to the No True Scotsman fallacy (or in this case, the No True Authority fallacy).  You can’t point to every abuse of male authority and and say “Well , that’s not REAL authority.”

“When we quarrel with the way the world is, we find that the world has ways of getting back at us. In other words, however we try, the sexual act cannot be made into an egalitarian pleasuring party. “

I assure you, that if sex is not an egalitarian pleasuring party, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.  (Or, to be fair, one or both parties has a physical or mental issue that’s causing sex not to be enjoyable).  However, if you have never made an honest effort to have an egalitarian pleasuring party, I really can’t recommend it enough.  IT’S TOTALLY AWESOME.

“A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts. This is of course offensive to all egalitarians, and so our culture has rebelled against the concept of authority and submission in marriage. “

You’ve gotten quite a bit of flack for your choice of words.  I’m sure you feel that egalitarians just can’t handle the truth bombs you’re laying down.  That’s probably because you’re conservative, and conservatives, in my experience, have difficulty understanding the inherent power of words.  (I know that I had trouble with it when I was a conservative).

Conservatives tend to think that their words should be taken without any context.  Perhaps they even refuse to acknowledge that the context exists.  Let’s go through your words one by one.

Penetrate

I’m tempted to let you have this one.  After all, penetration is a common way to describe intercourse.  And you could make the argument that it’s accurate.  And one of it’s definitions is “to enter the interior of”, which, I have to say, is pretty damn innocuous, not to mention accurate.

However, it can also mean “to pierce”, which makes me wince.  “Pierce” implies damage of some kind.  True, the hymen is sometimes pierced, but that doesn’t always happen.  True, sometimes sex can hurt, but like I said, this generally indicates something is wrong.  It shouldn’t be the normal state of things.

[Edit: After posting this, I was informed by one of my readers that "pierce" is an inaccurate term for what happens to the hymen during sex.  It's more of a stretching and, sometimes, breaking.  Nothing passes through it. --HH]
 
If you had stopped there, I might have let it slide.  But then...

Conquer

As they say in soccer (sorry, football): RED CARD. 

Conquer means “to acquire by force of arms”, which, I’m sorry, implies rape.  Again, I’m sure Doug didn’t mean to make that unfortunate implication, let alone say that rape is OK, but yet, the implication is still there.  It is a word that should never be used when describing sex.  NEVER.  It’s gross.

Now, conquer can also mean “to gain, win, or obtain by effort” which is slightly less horrifying, but it still implies that a woman is an object to be “won”.   And given your next choice of word, I don’t think that definition applies:

Colonize

Sex is not just a biological game of Settlers Of Catan, Mr. Wilson.  This word, combined with “conquer”, makes both word choices roughly one point four bajillion times worse.  Show me one group throughout history that was conquered and colonized and thought it was a great experience. 

Plant

Ok, by itself, I think this is actually not offensive, but combine it with “conquer” and “colonize” and now I’m thinking of the action of planting a flag, indicating ownership and victory.  Gross.

Receive

Ok, not bad, but it does imply a certain level of passivity and begrudging acceptance on the women’s part.  And I’m still thinking about “planting the flag” and “being colonized”, so this word, unfortunately, is ruined by the previous word.

Surrender

What.  The.  Crap.  Surrender means “to yield (something) to the possession or power of another”.  Do I need to connect the dots for you?  Men shouldn’t possess women.  I can’t believe it’s 2012 and I needed to say that.  Curse you for making me waste valuable time typing those words.

It can also mean “to give (oneself) up”.  Again, less offensive.  But it still implies passivity.  And, when taken in the context of “colonize” and “conquer”, I can’t really say that the second definition applies.

Accepts

Again, by itself it’s not a horrible choice.  But what is the women “accepting” in this case?  Conquest?  Colonization?  Not cool.  It implies giving up, or reluctance.


“... we find that our banished authority and submission comes back to us in pathological forms. This is what lies behind sexual ‘bondage and submission games,’ along with very common rape fantasies. Men dream of being rapists, and women find themselves wistfully reading novels in which someone ravishes the ‘soon to be made willing’ heroine. “
 
First of all, ‘bondage and submission games’ are not a problem if the involved parties consent to them and enjoy them.  Second, I’m puzzled by the statement “Men dream of being rapists”.  I really hope this isn’t to be taken as “ALL men dream of being rapists”, but there’s no qualifier, so I’m confused.

I’m a man.  I don’t dream of being a rapist.  Have you ever done so? 

I’m not going to speak for women.  I know that the novels you describe are popular, but again, I don’t think all women enjoy them, or feel the need to be ravished (at least not in the violent way you describe).

True authority and true submission are therefore an erotic necessity. When authority is honored according to the word of God it serves and protects — and gives enormous pleasure. When it is denied, the result is not “no authority,” but an authority which devours.

I’m assuming the rest of Doug’s book describes how to honor authority “according to the word of God.”  Do we need to nominate a King of America?  Because I don’t think Presidents are approved of in the Bible.  Do I need to have a harem like Solomon? I don’t think my wife would approve, and honestly, it seems like way too much work.  Also, I’m pretty sure I would be violating my town's fire code and my condo association’s bylaws by having that many women in my condo.  Which brings up the question: is my condo association a legitimate biblical authority?

In fact, every example of authority in the Old Testament that I can think of is pretty toxic.  Are these the “biblical authorities” you are referring to?  Or maybe you’re thinking of New Testament authorities.  I admit, Jesus was a pretty good example of what I look for in an authority.  Trouble is, I can’t picture him high fiving you over this letter.

Or maybe you subscribe to the “prize fighter” Jesus that your friend Mark Driscoll is always yammering on about.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent (not that you really had a choice).

I guess that means you surrendered to, accepted, and received my criticism?

Sincerely,
Heretic Husband (or, “HH” if you’re into the whole brevity thing)

Guest Post: Anti-climatic: How I Escaped from a Cult.

Today's guest post comes to us from PrairieNymph.  Previously she has shared parts of her story in comments on my blog. Her blog can be found here.

The group PrairieNymph escaped from is sometimes referred to as "Sharonites" but they prefer to be called a non-denominational group.

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In a recent conversation, an acquaintance was talking about how frustrated he was that intelligent people could believe ridiculous things.  He started with creationism and went on to cults.

“I understand how that can happen.  I was born into a cult.”  I said quietly.
 
He eyes widened.  “How did you escape?” he asked.  

I'm sure he was imagining me running for my life through the jungle while 
snipers and people in robes chased me.
  
It's an amusing picture since I grew up in a small prairie town and the only robes I saw were in the Sears catalog.  However, the jungle existed in my mind.  Snipers were the emotional roadblocks of fear.  I had to overcome the mind training to find the courage to question to escape the robed figures.
        
To be fair, the church group I grew up in was in many ways positive – a tight knit social group.  While we were aware that other people considered us a cult, we never did.  We felt sorry for them and waited for the day that had been prophesied when all the world would be one.  When they would be like us.  They would adopt our style of authoritarian government: a special group of elders and deacons sat at the top of the pyramid.   They were the world-wide leaders and God would tell them how the church should be run through “revelations”. Below them were the local elders and deacons who would spread the teachings of the global leaders.  Next were the fathers of homes who were elders and the mothers were considered deacons- the ones who  carried out the father's orders.  Then were the kids whose job was obedience.  If the whole world lived like us, it would be perfect. God's order. God's peace. Everyone obeying someone.
        
Jan Groenveld has a succinct summary of cults here.  Jan says the universal definition of a cult is: 

“Any group which has a pyramid type authoritarian leadership structure with all teaching and guidance coming from the person/persons at the top. The group will claim to be the only way to God;...and will use thought reform or mind control techniques to gain control and keep their members.“
      
Of Jan's eleven characteristics, the first nine describe my group very accurately.  It was hard for me to read this list, so many years later.  I still have a hard time using the word 'cult' to describe my group.  It sounds so nasty.  Yet, everything matches up.  I tell myself it wasn't so bad.  I am trying to convince myself. 
        
I thought back to his question.  How did I escape?  I didn't do it on my own. I didn't want to escape.  My church was my safe place from 'the world', a dangerous place I heard about in sermons.  I had poor social skills and was encouraged to view other church members as the only people I could be really close to.  My church gave me a purpose. We were to become perfect, as Christ is perfect.  If we truly surrendered to the Holy Spirit, we were assured this was possible.  I failed everyday, but at least I had something to work for.  I didn't want to escape but I wanted a longer leash.  I wanted to preach.  I love public speaking.  But I am female.  My church has strict gender roles and many reasons why women are not allowed to be in positions of authority. None of them helpful in learning respect for women.
 
I got married, had a daughter and dropped out of school to be a wife and mother.  I sank into depression.  The depression was worse on Sunday mornings.  We would bike to church.  Even out in the cheery sun, I could only think of dying – I hated my femaleness so much I could not think of why I deserved to live.  Some days I could not enter the church hall.  I hid in the bathroom trying to contain the pain that was too deep for words or tears.   Another woman in that church told me she also went through dark suicidal times as a young mother.  What kept her from driving in front of a semi was worrying how her children would cope with a mom who committed suicide. She prayed for a truck to hit her instead.  I did too.
       
A friend of a friend told me to examine the bible to see if it really had such a dark view of women.  I was terrified.  What if it did?  I preferred to live with the possibility the teachings were wrong than the certainty they were right.  I did take another piece of her advice and went back to school.  One class we had a guest speaker who was a former pastor and now a nurse who worked with trafficked women in Africa.  After class I asked him why he left pastoring.  He told me how he deconverted because it broke his heart to see how Christianity treated women and other people groups.  He had to much respect and compassion to stay.  I was floored.

I went home and googled deconversion.  I found a deconversion website and read and read.  I was terrified.  I found the Common Sense Atheist blog.  I tried to stay away from them.  I couldn't.  I read and read. John Shelby Spong, Rosemary Radford Ruether, Carol Christ, deconvert bloggers...  Finally the bible was beginning to make sense.  I didn't have to reconcile the hatred, the inconsistencies or the logical fallacies.  I could look at them for what they were.
        
I was still scared to tell my husband what was happening.  I was sure in order to stay married to him I'd have to remain a Christian, but I couldn't stop.  My husband was glad when I said I was done with my church.  As he didn't grow up in it, he saw the red flags but stayed assuming that when I was ready I'd move on with him. He was disturbed by the church's devotion to Paul's teachings and the way church authorities were almost worshiped.  He didn't like the elitist attitudes or the anti-intellectualism.  However, he didn't expect me to move on so far so quickly.  He challenged everything I read and saw our old beliefs were shaky.  While he still considers himself a deist and  maybe a very liberal Christian, we are both out of fundamentalist Christianity.
        
The intellectual reasons for leaving Christianity were the easy part. It was a relief to be free of the cognitive dissonance. The emotional snipers I had to dodge to get there were much more difficult.  I had been trained to obey authority since I was born and view any questioning as sinful rebellion.  My particular authorities were given by God himself to protect me from myself.  By questioning them, I was questioning God.  The fear and guilt that came with this had kept my questions quiet for years.  It wasn't until I was in a safe place with a husband who didn't view them as God's ordained messengers that I could too.  When you think you will be tortured eternally just for saying “is that right?”, you don't ask lightly.

When you are told as a female you are more prone to deception, you learn to question yourself more than other people.  I had to fight my training that told me I was incapable of understanding, sinful and rebellious for asking questions, and doomed to destruction if I thought for myself.
        
I also felt like I was betraying my family.  My grandparents were both elders in this church.  Going to a church camp was like going to a family reunion. How could I challenge them?  Didn't they love me? What if I found out I had been taught to think and feel things that were not only wrong, but harmful?  How could I do that to the people who love me?  By then, other people had befriended me who weren't in my family or my church.  They helped me see how sad my fears were and gave me the confidence to risk losing my family and childhood friends.
       
I turned back to my acquaintance.  “I needed to be in a safe place so I could gain the courage to ask questions.  Then I learned I had been taught wrong.”

Anti-climatic - but in some ways, just running through a jungle would have been easier.

The Sweet Taste of Bitterness

In retrospect, I should have known that trying to force a Christian to say “Hail Satan” was a bad idea.  In my defense, I was a wee bit tipsy.

Let me back up.  We went on vacation with some friends two weeks ago.  We stayed up too late, drinking and playing cards.  One game we played was a drinking game called Asshole.  For the uninitiated, the winner of each round Asshole gets to institute a new rule that takes effect during the next round – the sillier the better.  Other winners had already mandated the use of T-rex arms and German accents.

I won the next round, and I thought it might be funny if everyone followed every statement with “Hail Satan”, forgetting that only two short years ago I would have found this HORRIBLY offensive.

This prompted Sarah, my wife’s best friend, to turn to me and say “You know, I don’t think you’re handling your crisis of faith very well.”

It’s not the first time I’ve heard something like this.  When you’re a Christian and you’re going through a crisis of faith, you will start to hear things like this.  People will tell you you’re angry, or, my personal favorite, that you’re bitter.

First off, I’m not having a crisis of faith.  A crisis implies danger.  I’m restructuring my beliefs, and in the process, some of those beliefs will have to be downsized.  It’s nothing personal – they’re just not a good fit any more.   

Second of all, I was never really angry at anyone from my former church for any of the stuff that happened there.  The people who allowed these things are imprisoned by their beliefs as much as I once was.  I'm still angry at my in-laws for all of their craziness, but that's not what prompted the ill advised "Hail Satan" rule.

Ah, but am I angry at God, I hear the Christians ask, with perhaps just the teeniest bit of smugness in their voices.

This question implies that I’m a petulant child, angry at my celestial dad, much like a rich teenager who throws a fit because they got the RED convertible for their birthday when they SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR THE SILVER CONVERTIBLE GODDAMNIT.  And yes, I was angry at God for a while. 

What changed?  Well, I don’t believe in that God any more.  I don’t believe in the God of Mark Driscoll, John Piper, Jonathan Edwards, or, for that matter, the God of the leaders of my former church.  I don’t believe in the God of the Old Testament, that orders scores of people to be murdered and implicitly condones slavery and the mistreatment of women.  I also don’t believe in the God of the New Testament, who randomly picks people to bestow eternal life upon, and condemns the rest to an eternity of conscious torment in a lake of fire.

Wow, did I say I was downsizing my faith?  I guess it’s more like a going out of business sale.  Everything must go!  Everything is priced to move!  WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU INTO THIS NEW DOGMA ***TODAY***?!??!?!?!

Now, some of you might say, what about MY God?  MY God isn’t like the false Gods that you describe, Heretic Husband.  He’s awesome!  He’s the God of LOVE!  

Now, here’s where I’m still angry.  And bitter.  I just can’t look at the state the world is in and believe in a God of love.  You can talk about free will all you want, it won’t convince me.  If my kid runs out into traffic, I will stop her if I am able.  Period.  And the world has been playing in traffic since humans invented the fist.

Perhaps I’m still angry at the God of love.  Maybe some part of me still believes he exists in some form.  Maybe that’s why I’m still bitter.  And I’m angry at his followers too, if I’m honest.  Why aren’t they as angry at their God as I am?

Bitterness is like junk food for the soul, especially when it’s justified.  Mixing anger and bitterness together is like mixing chocolate and peanut butter.  But if you subsist on it for too long, your soul will get out of shape, and pretty soon, it can’t go on any kind of spiritual journey without getting winded and stopping for another Reeses Bitterness Cup.

And I need to go on a spiritual journey, faithful readers - wherever it might lead.

Chapter 13: In which the youth pastor's ex-wife is thrown under the bus

In this post I mentioned that the youth pastor at our former church got divorced. A few days ago, we got a letter in the mail (we're still on the membership rolls even though we no longer attend).

As always, names have been changed.  All emphasis has been added by me.

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To the Brethren at our church,

This last year has brought many challenges to our body.  Some are well known; some not as much.  We would like to address one of those "not so well known issues".  Our youth minister, Jim, has just experienced the breakup of his marriage.  It has been a long time coming, but now the day is here.

A brief history at this point would be helpful.  It was about 5 years ago that we stepped into Jim's life and challenged some of the sin and failures that had become apparent.  Those issues ranged from money issues to family issues.  Jim's response to godly correction has been encouraging to watch.  Each step along the way, he took the hard path and did the right things.  He got his life under control and grew greatly in his walk with God.

Unfortunately, it was not a journey his wife took with him.  As the years went on, she became more distant from Jim and the church.  Attempts to draw the two of them into godly counsel were not met with a positive response.  By last fall the situation had reached a low point.  We told Jim it was time to quit living a lie, and for he and his wife to either commit to being married or to separate.  Staying together for appearance sake was not what God wanted.  The result was that his wife moved out and eventually filed for divorce.  In all this, Jim was always eager and willing to mend this broken relationship, but as Romans 12 says, it is only possible to be at peace if both people are willing (12:18).  Jim desired to be married, his wife did not.

Obviously this has been an incredibly difficult thing for us to deal with.  We take seriously the words of Malachi that "God hates divorce" (2:16).  We counseled Jim through it all to not be the one to dissolve his marriage, even though he had biblical reasons to do so.  We removed Jim from up front leadership and most of his teaching responsibilities in the body for almost a year.  Once again the words of Paul to Timothy (3:4), that an elder/pastor in the church should have his house under control made us counsel Jim to put his energies into his family (even if his wife had no interest).

It is now the conviction of the board that Jim needs to be brought back into the fullness of ministry.  He has done all that we have asked of him in accordance with the Word of God, and we are unwilling to allow his wife  to continue to restrain his ministry by her unwillingness to seek reconciliation.  Along the way Jim has not had only the input of the elders and pastors , but has had the guidance, counsel, and full support of the youth ministry team.  It is truly sad that it came to this, but we continue to pray that God's will be done.

To Him be the Glory,
The Elders

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Is it just me, or are they throwing the wife under the (church) bus?  Oh sure, they indicate that the problems in their marriage were more Jim's fault, but SHE was the one who was unwilling to reconcile.  In Christian circles, reconciliation is a Big Deal.  If you don't reconcile, you can be accused of being Unforgiving.  You don't have to wear a scarlet U, but if churches could get away with making you do that, I bet they would.  After all, nobody's perfect you know!

I should state at this point that while my wife and I do not know Jim or his wife hardly at all, we are close friends with a couple who know them very well.  hey were also a part of the small group that Jim led while the issues in his marriage were still developing.  This couple is in agreement with my wife and I that this is not a fairly worded letter.

The church accuses her of hampering his ministry.  I'm pretty sure Jim did a pretty good job of hampering his ministry all on his own.  They say that he had "biblical reasons for divorce".  This is most likely Christian code for "she cheated on him".  If that's the case, I'm not going to defend adultery, but it's still pretty shitty of them to put that in a letter to the congregation.

I wonder: did any women (other than the one who I'm sure was responsible for typing it up) read this letter before it went out?  Possible, but I doubt it.  I'm sure it was prayed over extensively, and I'm equally sure the elders are patting themselves on the back for writing such a fair and balanced letter (comparison to Fox News intentional).  Of course they don't mention how the problems in their marriage were ongoing for years before Jim was confronted.  Or how the head pastor has admitted that he dropped the ball in not confronting him sooner.  They also don't mention that the divorce was actually final nine months ago.  Or that Jim continued wearing his wedding ring for months afterward (which is at best unhealthy and at worst outright deceptive). 

Of course, they had no choice but to write the letter this way, because they allowed Jim to keep his job.  In order to cover their asses and assure everyone they were doing things The Godly Way, they had to throw his wife to the wolves.

Of course, there's no way that The Godly Way would include showing his wife some grace, right?