Chapter 5: In which I am still anxious


ag·nos·tic

[ag-nos-tik]
noun

1. a person who holds that the existence of the ultimate cause,as God, and the essential nature of things are unknown and unknowable, or that human knowledge is limited to experience. Synonyms: disbeliever, nonbeliever, unbeliever; doubter, skeptic, secularist, empiricist; heathen, heretic,infidel, pagan.
2. a person who denies or doubts the possibility of ultimate knowledge in some area of study.
3. a person who holds neither of two opposing positions on a topic: Socrates was an agnostic on the subject of immortality.
4. Me.

I’ve alway been a fence sitter. I am cursed/blessed with the ability to see all sides of a situation. I’ve never registered with a political party. I give people the benefit of the doubt. And I couldn’t be an atheist or a Catholic, so I settled for being an agnostic.

My parents took the news surprisingly well. I suppose they thought I would grow out of it. My mother didn’t try to force me to go to church. And, as I was living on campus, we didn’t get the chance to get into arguments about it very frequently.

It was tremendously freeing. I could do what I wanted. I still had a moral code, but it was my moral code. And yet... the anxiety remained. And got worse.

(That was more foreshadowing, in case you were interested.)


I was a computer science major. This meant that I wanted to be a software engineer, which is someone who makes computer software. I had dabbled with computer programming as a child and thought I was pretty good.

Then I got to college.

There were people here my age who were way better than me. So I decided I needed to get to work. I did this by spending a lot of my free time thinking that I should take on a programming project, and worrying about what would happen if I failed. Then I would play video games. Or watch my friends play video games. Or get depressed and lie on my bed listening to Fade to Black (a song by Metallica which, it seemed, was made for this sort of situation).

This was counterproductive.

I got some programming done, to be sure. When I could get out of my own way long enough to do it. But not much.

Then I fell in love.

1 comment:

  1. i hope it was liz or you are in big trouble mister!

    ReplyDelete